Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How Not to Cut Your Toddler's Hair in 13 Easy Steps

Step 1: Decide your toddler needs a haircut RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Do not plan it out too much, definitely don't wait until your husband is around to help. You've had it up to here with combing yogurt and peanut butter out of that mop and you are DONE.

Step 2: Take just enough time to check Pinterest. Get some great and wholly unrealistic ideas about what you can pull off by yourself with clippers and semi-sharp hair-cutting scissors. Prohibition cut on a two year old? Sure. Why not. 

Step 3: Bring your other toddler into the bathroom with you. All three of you in here will be totally cozy. She is the very definition of patient and just oozing with self control. Surely she won't get in the way!

Step 4: Grab one of your husband's t-shirts to use as a cape. Don't check to make sure it's not one of his favorites that you'll have to throw out once it's coated in those scratchy baby hairs that will never come off.

Step 5: Fire up the buzzers! Work nice and slowly. Again, toddlers are totally patient so this will be just fine. Don't bother to brush off excess hair from his shoulders or even go so far as to hide the already cut hair. Why would giant clumps of hair bother a child?

Step 5: Okay, so now your toddler (who was doing well up to this point) has spotted the hair on the floor. He now knows you are cutting his actual hairs off of his actual head. This is where he starts screaming like you've been cutting his actual fingers off of his actual hands. You haven't been of course, but it sure sounds like you have.

Step 6: Snack break: toddler number two who was playing with a fancy bar of soap is now here to check out the screaming. She is so glad you've provided a delicious array of hair chunks to play with and taste. So soft! So fluttery! Oh Lord, so scratchy, help!

Step 7: Realize that things are totally off the rails. Abandon Pinterest ideas. Abandon scissors into the sink because these kids are EVERYWHERE. Abandon hope.

Step 8: Time to buckle down and power through. He may look like a feral child with only half his hair cut and he may be acting like a feral child trying to escape the bathroom and the giant man sized shirt he is wrapped in, but do not let this distract you from your goal. Turn those buzzers back on.

Step 9: Hold toddler one and gently whisper reassurances as you give up and buzz the rest of the hair off. At this point toddler two will be covered in hair, Chewbacca style, and trying to climb up your back like you are a miniature Mount Everest. Just go with it.

Step 10: All done....mostly. Reward your now hairless and permanently scarred child with a huge bowl of ice cream. Reward yourself with one too. And a huge glass of wine later when you tell this story to your husband. 

Step 11: Put everyone in the bath and try to wash off all the tiny hairs. Those hairs are everywhere. Stop singing Dashboard Confessional, this is not the time.

Step 12: Spend the next two weeks trying to covertly trim all the random long pieces that you missed.

Step 13: All done! Just kidding, you missed a spot.

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