Summer Fashion 2015: Impractically Perfect

I've been looking around at all the new summer fashions and I've seen a lot of things I like. Unfortunately, I've seen a lot of things I like...and will not wear. Why? Well, for starters: 3 children. One of the things they don't tell you before you have kids is that, even if you manage to lose the baby weight, things are still not the same as they were pre-baby. Things that were flat are now...shapes. Things that were shapely...are not. Things have relocated or shifted or transformed (like a butterfly!Yes, let's use that imagery. That's nice).

Also, even if you managed to tone and tighten within an inch of your life, there is the practical part that comes with dressing now. Can you pick up a baby without flashing anyone? Can you carry a child or push a stroller without tripping? If someone yanks on your shirt/skirt/dress will it stand it's ground or will you be ticketed for indecent exposure? So much to consider.

Here are some things I've seen and loved but have sadly given up on:                                      

Overalls

 

 ASOS

They're baaaaack. At first I thought "Oh no, gross" because they are overalls and I am not a farmer. But, the more I kept seeing them everywhere the more they grew on me. Look how comfy she looks! (Why is she wearing heels though? Anyone?) How nice would it be to wake up on the weekend and throw these on over a t-shirt and be on your way? They're kind of cute and youthful and....youthful. Really youthful. As in, I realized I had a pair of these when I was eight. And I had a pair of shorts overalls with big flowers on them. Heck, I had a skirt version too! No...I had my time with overalls and those days are gone. If I wore these, given my short stature, I'd look like a preteen boy and that's just never what I want. At least Audrey had a pair and she looked amazing in them, and yes, very young.

Culotte Shorts

                  

                          Sheinside

Another blast from the early 90's here. Once again, this is one I turned my nose up at before they got me. I guess I remember them from their go 'round 20 years ago. In my mind they were always unattractively baggy shorts,  but now they actually seem like they could be practical. With all that volume it looks like a skirt but it's not! It's shorts! No worries on a windy day! I even went so far as to try on a pair, and alas, these will not be joining me this summer vacation. You know what they looked like on? A really, unattractively baggy pair of shorts.


Kimonos

Myee Carlyle

So, this doesn't look like a kimono to me, but whatever, that's what they're calling them. It looks like something you wear over lingerie but apparently it's not. This is a thing now, and you wear it like so, over a camisole or t shirt. It's actually quite pretty. I love the floral pattern and the guaziness of it. You know what would happen if I bought one? I would put on my shorts (uh, not those denim cut offs though because thighs) and my shirt, and then I would forget my beautiful accent kimono because someone was eating hand soap. Or, perhaps I would wear it, and then it would keep sliding off every time I picked up a child because it's so damn gauzy. Let's not even get into what the fringe would look like after day one. No, when the kids are grown I will rock a kimono all summer (even though they'll be out of style by then. Whatever. I do what I want).



Jumpsuits

 Cynthia Vincent

 I LOVE THESE. Doesn't she look like a boss lady? So unexpected and yet so elegant and powerful! Amazing. I read a fashion magazine that said if you're short you should really avoid these. It got me a little riled up because these are awesome and yet I am short. Don't tell me what to do, fashion magazine, you don't know my life. You fashion magazines are just trying to bring us women down and I will defy your stupid expectations all while wearing this fantastic jumpsuit! I ordered one, and it was clearly made for someone with the legs of a giraffe. It looked awful. I tried on a petite version and it was clearly made for a baby giraffe. You win fashion magazine.



Crop Tops and Skirts

                    

OASAP

Yeah, the minute I realized crop tops were in style I didn't for a second think I'd be buying one. But still, it's cute, no? I love the way they match, and the skirt covers her navel so it's like a little hint of skin without being trashy. Somehow, it works. I had a Barbie when I was little and she had an awesome crop top/skirt combo in yellow and black and she looked great in it.  If you have the same proportions as Barbie then I can highly recommend this outfit. Also, if you have the same proportions as Barbie please seek medical attention.




White Jeans

Ah, white jeans, or as I like to call them: your children's canvas.With these I'd be able to showcase what everyone ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner and tell the world I had my morning coffee because it would be all over these bad boys. Nevertheless, they look so crisp and preppy and I don't know if it's Photoshop or six inch heels but they make her legs look so long. Even if they don't have kids how do people keep these clean? What kind of witchcraft must you possess to avoid spilling something on yourself? I want to know these secrets!


So there we have it. I have come to accept that these styles are not for me but if you like them and want to try them, more power to you! I support you and will be secretly envious when I see you out and about. I'll just be over here rocking my generic khaki shorts and flat sandals, probably with some jelly hand prints on my shoulder.

The Best Mascaras For Layering: Benefit, Smashbox, Dior and more

If your eyes are the window to your soul then putting on mascara is like throwing open the shutters. Okay, that might be a little dramatic, but it's my absolute favorite type of makeup so forgive me. I have tried a lot (A LOT) of mascaras in search of the perfect lengthening/thickening/clump free mascara and I am sad to say that at this point I don't think there is a holy grail of mascaras.

Some don't clump, some are better at lengthening, some go on thick but I have yet to find one that does it all. This is okay though, because if you're willing to spend .02 seconds longer on applying mascara then you can layer different types to achieve the specific look you want.  Some days call for something simple and other days call for a little more drama and these are my favorites for combining.

The best base: Covergirl Clump Crusher. Pardon me, but the name is dumb. I feel silly even writing it but it does. not. clump. It goes on smooth and is not too dramatic which makes it great on it's own for everyday or as a base layer. I find that if you start with this, anything else you put on top is less likely to clump.

The best lengthening: L'Oreal Telescopic Shocking Extensions. Seriously, what is with these names? It's a great mascara but not what I'd file under "shocking!". It does, however, lengthen really nicely. It leaves you with noticeably longer lashes without looking over the top.

The best for sensitive eyes: Mirenesse icurl. We've all had those days when your allergies are bugging you, or your contacts are itchy or you just don't want to have to deal with your mascara smudging. This is the one for you. This actually coats your lashes to form a kind of tube around them. This means it won't smudge or flake (potentially causing irritation) and you can take it off with warm water and gentle pressure rather than having to use greasy makeup removers. It lengthens lashes and helps them hold a curl and can still be layered over another mascara if you want extra oomph (although it should be your last layer or you won't get the lengthening tube effect). Sounds strange, works beautifully.

 The best thickening: Smashbox Full Exposure. This mascara comes out super black and leaves lashes looking thick and soft. Soft is key because it lessens the chance that it will flake as the day goes on. Nobody wants that, right?

The best for definition: Benefit They're Real! What do I mean by definition? I mean that this mascara separates each individual lash so you look bright eyed and awake. The wand on this mascara has a tip that is rounded so that you can maneuver it into the corners to get every last lash. Or, if you're going for something more dramatic, this brush is great for coating your lower lashes and giving you that doll-like look.
 
The best for date night: Dior Diorshow Extase. So everyone seems to love Diorshow mascara and the Diorshow Extase is, in my mind, taken to the next level. This is the mascara you put on when you're going to have your picture taken, or you're going on a date to that swank French restaurant with the guy who finally asked you out, or you just need to look ridiculously amazing. It is not a subtle mascara, not natural looking by any definition, but you will look smoking hot. You're not going to need more than one or two coats of this because it gives you seriously thick, over the top lashes. Again, I like to do one coat of this over the clump crusher just to ensure that it doesn't clump or stick.

So there you go. The best choices for everything from the daily routine right down to that party you've been waiting for. Thicker, longer, more defined or bombshell dramatic: these ones have you covered. Mix and match to your heart's content.

Nail Polish for People Who Actually Use Their Hands : Essie, CND, Sally Hansen, Butter London

I'm home with my kids all day, which is obviously wildly glamorous, involving much scrubbing of bathrooms, folding of laundry and cooking of meals. It's obvious why most nail polish doesn't last

I've had professional manicures a handful of times (no pun intended ) and every time I end up seething when, two days later, my nails are already chipped. I even tried gel manicures which are supposed to last about two weeks and three days into vacation they were chipped. Very frustrating. No, I am not giving anyone my $15 (or $30 or, let's be honest, one time $40) for something I can do myself. 

I used to just never wear nail polish, it just wasn't worth the effort of carefully applying it only to have it peeling and chipping in two days. No thanks. However, after much searching I have found four brands that hold up pretty darn well even with the roughest use.

Essie

Everybody's drugstore favorite, and for good reason. They run about $7 and come in a whole array of fantastic colors. $7 is still more than I was used to paying for nail polish (I'm all about the 99 cent clearance ones usually) but think how many uses it will give you versus that $15 manicure. 

CND Vinylux

I only discovered this brand a year ago but they are great. I've found them from about $4-$6 on Amazon, and you'll want their topcoat too. They have a slightly smaller (but still ample) color selection than Essie, but they last easily a week once applied. The polish is very thin (which helps avoid chipping) but covers in two coats (especially for the darker colors) and the topcoat dries really fast. Any UV exposure you get (from being outside or just...you know...living) helps keep the topcoat sealed.

These last forever and aren't too expensive: yes please. 

Sally Hansen miracle Gel:  

Another drugstore favorite. Similar to CND in that you want the color and topcoat. A nice thin (but not runny) formula that really lasts. I found prices vary but they're not much different from Essie, although the color selection is limited.

Butter London:
Alright, this one is the most expensive, clocking in at a wallet dinging $15 but, BUT, they are GORGEOUS. The colors are fantastic, the selection's amazing, the stuff stays put and it's still cheaper than that manicure from the nail salon. This is a good choice if you need a specific color for a special occasion or you just really like a color and plan to use it a whole ton or, come on, you just need a treat.  Go on.

In addition to using two coats of a good thin polish and topcoat, it helps to:
1) wipe nails with nail polish remover first
2) apply that topcoat as a basecoat
3) let everything dry really well between coats

However, 1-3 are totally optional since, I don't know about you, but I rarely have time for all that jazz.

Final nail polish confession: I will %100 buy a nail polish color just because I like the name. "Cute As A Button" "Giddy Kipper" "Crimson Sash". Ugh, just take my money already. 

Suits You

The weather is (almost, sort of,  just go with me here)  getting warmer! So, let's go bathing suit shopping!!!!!           
 

 All right, I see your point. Bathing suit shopping is NO FUN. None. There is nothing is this world guaranteed to make you feel crappy about your own bodacious bod than having to try on bathing suits. Except you can escape about 80% of the awfulness by doing your shopping online and trying them on in your own bedroom. Seriously. I realize that sounds crazy but I'm pretty much an expert on online shopping since I simply can't drag three kids to a store and doodle around trying stuff on. If I can't get it shipped to me then I'm never getting it. Simple as that.

Some Important Points to Consider:
1) Good places to start are:
          -Lands End: they have really solid suits that hold up well. They offer a variety of styles, nothing too skimpy, and you can go with bra sizing and body sizing to address whatever your specific needs are.

        - Victoria's Secret: I know, I know, you're not an Angel Supermodel Sexpot. While they do have some eyewateringly tiny suits here and there, they also have a lot of reasonable styles and once again: bra sizing. So important.

      -  ASOS: I recently discovered this site, they're sort of like a British version of Forever 21. A lot of their styles are a bit more adventurous but they do have some cute stuff, and they have extended sizes including petite/tall/plus and very fast, very free shipping and returns. So if you hate it, no sweat on your part.

-Aerie: I realize it seems like their target market is fourteen year olds, but if you give them a shot they really have some cute bathing suits. They're mostly bikini's but they have a wide variety of styles and cute retro cuts. Also: free returns. The holy grail of online purchasing.  

2) Read reviews! Not all sites have them but many do and they can be your best friend. You can usually find out if an item runs small/big, if the straps are too long or if the colors are true to the image online. A lot of hassle can be avoided if you find out ahead of time whether you should go up or down a size.

3) Sizing: In addition to reading reviews read the size chart on the site. This too will help narrow down exactly what size would fit you best. If you find a place that offers free returns go ahead and get multiple sizes to really ensure your best chance of a match.

4) Free shipping. Always go with free shipping when possible. Sometimes it's worth it to buy a few suits to try on so you can reach the free shipping point.

5) FREE RETURNS!!! This point is so important it deserves caps lock and three exclamation points. Look for a place with free returns or it's simply not worth the five or more dollars to return unwanted items. Some places will charge you for returns by mail but you can drop it off for free at their store (i.e. Victoria's Secret).

So, really all you need is a credit card and a free afternoon. I realize not everyone has those but if you do, going after a suit online can be the best way to do it.

Now that we've covered those points, let's oogle some bathing suits.

This is the striped rash guard and boy shorts from lands end. They rash guards are UPF 50 which is amazing for those like me who like to show off their Irish heritage by turning beet red and freckling when we get any sun. They're really cute, come in approximately five jillion patterns and colors, and cover you without being old lady-ish. Same with the boy shorts. No cheeks hanging out but you still feel sassy.

 

This is the Forever Halter from Victoria's Secret. I don't know why it has such a dramatic name. Better than the "Weekend At The Pool Halter" I suppose. Normally I go for a bathing suit with bra sizing but I read the reviews on this one and they were pretty adament about the fact that it a) covered everything and b) stay in place really well. With two handsy toddlers I need these things.  I bought it in Navy blue because everyone in the family has Navy blue bathing suits except Audrey. She has pink and white stripes with little pictures of popsicles. I can't do popsicles but I can do Navy.

The Bridget bikini top and hi-rise bottom. This is so adorably retro. It comes yellow which is also so pretty. I would love to wear something like this but I am super short and fear that "high waisted" would translate to "up under my arm pits". Also, Sean does not understand high waisted bottoms. They confuse him. It's like the opposite of a tankini I guess. Someone please buy this.

 

This is from J. Crew and it's their gingham seersucker v-halter one piece. Such a very long name for a very simple suit. I will confess that I would love to find a really good one-piece but my top and bottom situations are not at all in proportion to each other.  Lands End has some great suits that have bra sizing on top with separate body sizing but I haven't quite found what I'm looking for there. This suit costs many, many American dollars and does not have free returns but is so darling. 

There you go. I hope I have armed you with much frivolous knowledge of the online shopping world that will allow you to find a bathing you that you feel like a mega super babe in. Or just a really great version of yourself. Either one.

So get out there and rock it.