Summer Fashion 2015: Impractically Perfect

I've been looking around at all the new summer fashions and I've seen a lot of things I like. Unfortunately, I've seen a lot of things I like...and will not wear. Why? Well, for starters: 3 children. One of the things they don't tell you before you have kids is that, even if you manage to lose the baby weight, things are still not the same as they were pre-baby. Things that were flat are now...shapes. Things that were shapely...are not. Things have relocated or shifted or transformed (like a butterfly!Yes, let's use that imagery. That's nice).

Also, even if you managed to tone and tighten within an inch of your life, there is the practical part that comes with dressing now. Can you pick up a baby without flashing anyone? Can you carry a child or push a stroller without tripping? If someone yanks on your shirt/skirt/dress will it stand it's ground or will you be ticketed for indecent exposure? So much to consider.

Here are some things I've seen and loved but have sadly given up on:                                      

Overalls

 

 ASOS

They're baaaaack. At first I thought "Oh no, gross" because they are overalls and I am not a farmer. But, the more I kept seeing them everywhere the more they grew on me. Look how comfy she looks! (Why is she wearing heels though? Anyone?) How nice would it be to wake up on the weekend and throw these on over a t-shirt and be on your way? They're kind of cute and youthful and....youthful. Really youthful. As in, I realized I had a pair of these when I was eight. And I had a pair of shorts overalls with big flowers on them. Heck, I had a skirt version too! No...I had my time with overalls and those days are gone. If I wore these, given my short stature, I'd look like a preteen boy and that's just never what I want. At least Audrey had a pair and she looked amazing in them, and yes, very young.

Culotte Shorts

                  

                          Sheinside

Another blast from the early 90's here. Once again, this is one I turned my nose up at before they got me. I guess I remember them from their go 'round 20 years ago. In my mind they were always unattractively baggy shorts,  but now they actually seem like they could be practical. With all that volume it looks like a skirt but it's not! It's shorts! No worries on a windy day! I even went so far as to try on a pair, and alas, these will not be joining me this summer vacation. You know what they looked like on? A really, unattractively baggy pair of shorts.


Kimonos

Myee Carlyle

So, this doesn't look like a kimono to me, but whatever, that's what they're calling them. It looks like something you wear over lingerie but apparently it's not. This is a thing now, and you wear it like so, over a camisole or t shirt. It's actually quite pretty. I love the floral pattern and the guaziness of it. You know what would happen if I bought one? I would put on my shorts (uh, not those denim cut offs though because thighs) and my shirt, and then I would forget my beautiful accent kimono because someone was eating hand soap. Or, perhaps I would wear it, and then it would keep sliding off every time I picked up a child because it's so damn gauzy. Let's not even get into what the fringe would look like after day one. No, when the kids are grown I will rock a kimono all summer (even though they'll be out of style by then. Whatever. I do what I want).



Jumpsuits

 Cynthia Vincent

 I LOVE THESE. Doesn't she look like a boss lady? So unexpected and yet so elegant and powerful! Amazing. I read a fashion magazine that said if you're short you should really avoid these. It got me a little riled up because these are awesome and yet I am short. Don't tell me what to do, fashion magazine, you don't know my life. You fashion magazines are just trying to bring us women down and I will defy your stupid expectations all while wearing this fantastic jumpsuit! I ordered one, and it was clearly made for someone with the legs of a giraffe. It looked awful. I tried on a petite version and it was clearly made for a baby giraffe. You win fashion magazine.



Crop Tops and Skirts

                    

OASAP

Yeah, the minute I realized crop tops were in style I didn't for a second think I'd be buying one. But still, it's cute, no? I love the way they match, and the skirt covers her navel so it's like a little hint of skin without being trashy. Somehow, it works. I had a Barbie when I was little and she had an awesome crop top/skirt combo in yellow and black and she looked great in it.  If you have the same proportions as Barbie then I can highly recommend this outfit. Also, if you have the same proportions as Barbie please seek medical attention.




White Jeans

Ah, white jeans, or as I like to call them: your children's canvas.With these I'd be able to showcase what everyone ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner and tell the world I had my morning coffee because it would be all over these bad boys. Nevertheless, they look so crisp and preppy and I don't know if it's Photoshop or six inch heels but they make her legs look so long. Even if they don't have kids how do people keep these clean? What kind of witchcraft must you possess to avoid spilling something on yourself? I want to know these secrets!


So there we have it. I have come to accept that these styles are not for me but if you like them and want to try them, more power to you! I support you and will be secretly envious when I see you out and about. I'll just be over here rocking my generic khaki shorts and flat sandals, probably with some jelly hand prints on my shoulder.

Suits You

The weather is (almost, sort of,  just go with me here)  getting warmer! So, let's go bathing suit shopping!!!!!           
 

 All right, I see your point. Bathing suit shopping is NO FUN. None. There is nothing is this world guaranteed to make you feel crappy about your own bodacious bod than having to try on bathing suits. Except you can escape about 80% of the awfulness by doing your shopping online and trying them on in your own bedroom. Seriously. I realize that sounds crazy but I'm pretty much an expert on online shopping since I simply can't drag three kids to a store and doodle around trying stuff on. If I can't get it shipped to me then I'm never getting it. Simple as that.

Some Important Points to Consider:
1) Good places to start are:
          -Lands End: they have really solid suits that hold up well. They offer a variety of styles, nothing too skimpy, and you can go with bra sizing and body sizing to address whatever your specific needs are.

        - Victoria's Secret: I know, I know, you're not an Angel Supermodel Sexpot. While they do have some eyewateringly tiny suits here and there, they also have a lot of reasonable styles and once again: bra sizing. So important.

      -  ASOS: I recently discovered this site, they're sort of like a British version of Forever 21. A lot of their styles are a bit more adventurous but they do have some cute stuff, and they have extended sizes including petite/tall/plus and very fast, very free shipping and returns. So if you hate it, no sweat on your part.

-Aerie: I realize it seems like their target market is fourteen year olds, but if you give them a shot they really have some cute bathing suits. They're mostly bikini's but they have a wide variety of styles and cute retro cuts. Also: free returns. The holy grail of online purchasing.  

2) Read reviews! Not all sites have them but many do and they can be your best friend. You can usually find out if an item runs small/big, if the straps are too long or if the colors are true to the image online. A lot of hassle can be avoided if you find out ahead of time whether you should go up or down a size.

3) Sizing: In addition to reading reviews read the size chart on the site. This too will help narrow down exactly what size would fit you best. If you find a place that offers free returns go ahead and get multiple sizes to really ensure your best chance of a match.

4) Free shipping. Always go with free shipping when possible. Sometimes it's worth it to buy a few suits to try on so you can reach the free shipping point.

5) FREE RETURNS!!! This point is so important it deserves caps lock and three exclamation points. Look for a place with free returns or it's simply not worth the five or more dollars to return unwanted items. Some places will charge you for returns by mail but you can drop it off for free at their store (i.e. Victoria's Secret).

So, really all you need is a credit card and a free afternoon. I realize not everyone has those but if you do, going after a suit online can be the best way to do it.

Now that we've covered those points, let's oogle some bathing suits.

This is the striped rash guard and boy shorts from lands end. They rash guards are UPF 50 which is amazing for those like me who like to show off their Irish heritage by turning beet red and freckling when we get any sun. They're really cute, come in approximately five jillion patterns and colors, and cover you without being old lady-ish. Same with the boy shorts. No cheeks hanging out but you still feel sassy.

 

This is the Forever Halter from Victoria's Secret. I don't know why it has such a dramatic name. Better than the "Weekend At The Pool Halter" I suppose. Normally I go for a bathing suit with bra sizing but I read the reviews on this one and they were pretty adament about the fact that it a) covered everything and b) stay in place really well. With two handsy toddlers I need these things.  I bought it in Navy blue because everyone in the family has Navy blue bathing suits except Audrey. She has pink and white stripes with little pictures of popsicles. I can't do popsicles but I can do Navy.

The Bridget bikini top and hi-rise bottom. This is so adorably retro. It comes yellow which is also so pretty. I would love to wear something like this but I am super short and fear that "high waisted" would translate to "up under my arm pits". Also, Sean does not understand high waisted bottoms. They confuse him. It's like the opposite of a tankini I guess. Someone please buy this.

 

This is from J. Crew and it's their gingham seersucker v-halter one piece. Such a very long name for a very simple suit. I will confess that I would love to find a really good one-piece but my top and bottom situations are not at all in proportion to each other.  Lands End has some great suits that have bra sizing on top with separate body sizing but I haven't quite found what I'm looking for there. This suit costs many, many American dollars and does not have free returns but is so darling. 

There you go. I hope I have armed you with much frivolous knowledge of the online shopping world that will allow you to find a bathing you that you feel like a mega super babe in. Or just a really great version of yourself. Either one.

So get out there and rock it.